Having fun with stupid people

Some of you might remember that a few months ago I replaced my rental water softener with a purchased one. The rental belonged to the Culligan Water people, the purchased machine did not come from them but Sam's Club instead. I really hated that rental machine, it was noisy in operation, oversized and took up too much room in the laundry room and I really hated paying Culligan every month. I resented their monthly bills and everything about the arrangements. So when I got the opportunity to change the circumstances, I did. And ever since then I've been been trying to get these folks off my back.

You see, the day that I returned the softener unit, I forgot to load up the separate brine tank at the same time. The unit was heavy and ungainly and a bit of a struggle for me to manage single-handedly out of the basement, up the stairs and into the back of the truck. And, the stupid brine tank was behind the laundry room door, so out of sight while I chuffed the heavy piece out of the house.

Anyway, I returned the softener, paid up and closed out my account and promised to return the following day with the brine tank. Which I did. I took it right out back of the building where all the other 20 or so brine tanks lived, unloaded it and gave my name to one of the guys that worked there. He promised to tell the front office that I had kept my end of the arrangement. Which he did not do!

A few weeks go by and I received a bill, for $150 for the missing brine tank! Whaa? I ever so politely showed up at their office and I explained to the staff and the owner of the place that I did return the tank and that it was out back with all the others. After all, why would I keep this stupid plastic tank? The owner promised to query his guys and to try to verify my story and he promised to get me an answer.

Which he did. Through his "collections manager." I received this letter in the mail the other day:

CULLIGAN WATER
1595 WEST 2550 SOUTH OGDEN, UTAH 84401
PHONE 801-XXX-XXXX FAX 801-XXX-XXXX

NATHIANL R MCCORD JUNE 22, 2004
XXXX RUSHTON AVENUE
OGDEN, UT 84401

I TRIED TO CALL YOU TO DAY ABOUT YOUR ACCOUNT WITH CULLIGAN.

I HAVE CHECKED WITH EVERYONE THAT WORKS OUT OF OUR CULLIGAN OFFICE. NO ONE CAN RECALL YOU BRING IN THE BRIME TANK THE NEXT MORNING.

THEREFORE THE BILL THAT I SENT. TO YOU WILL STAND AND I NEED PAYMENT ON IT WITHIN THE NEXT TEN DAYS.

PLEASE CALL ME SO WE CAN WORK THlS OUT, I'M JAN @ 801-627-XXXX.

COLLECTIONS MANAGER

No kidding, that is exactly the way the letter looks! Its all capitalized, my name's misspelled and Jan doesn't even get the type of tank in dispute spelled correctly.

So I wrote Jan a response and I made payment arrangements:

June 25, 2004

Culligan Water
1595 West, 2550 South, Ogden, UT 84401

Jan:

It pains me to believe that you persist in billing me for a brine tank which I had no reason to keep or reason to lie about its prompt return. What possible reason would I have for keeping it? The space that the brine tank robbed from my laundry room was a principle reason that I elected to replace the Culligan rental unit with one of my own and to sever my ties with your company.

I’m also not used to having my credibility called into question and that is another reason why I feel very justified in making a water softener purchase that did not include further business with Culligan. I have endeavored to the best of my skills to behave as an honest member of society and while not perfect, I strive every day to meet my obligations and to be recognized as an honorable citizen. I resent the fact that my word is unacceptable regarding this brine tank’s timely return.

So, as indicated on the attached pages, I have made arrangements to pay the exorbitant replacement cost of the brine tank as you have requested. I believe that $150 is an outrageous price to put on that flimsy bit of plastic barrel and ball float but I will pay it (under protest) to absolve my mailbox from any further mail from your company.

Beginning July 1, 2003 and continuing on a bi-weekly basis for 5 months, Culligan will receive directly from America First Credit Union, a check for $15.00. The final payment will be sent on November 4, 2004. I will not respond to or pay any further late fees, services charges or penalties. You demanded $150, that’s what I’m paying. I have included the documentation so that you can see that this payment scheme is already in place and that I need to take no action to ensure your regular payment.

I also suggest that you ask your employer to pay for your participation in a business writing class to enhance your communication and letter writing skills. Your letter of June 22, 2004 had my name misspelled, two incomplete sentence fragments, more misspelled words and it was written in all capital letters. This letter reflects poorly on your letter writing skills and in my mind the overall quality of your company. It does not generate in me the belief that I am dealing with a professional organization. If you call yourself a collection manager, you need to be able to present yourself as a professional and your letter is substandard in that regard.

Sincerely,

NATHANIEL R. MCCORD

I faxed it off early this morning so that I would be certain that it arrived before Jan did. Its 11AM and I haven't heard a peep from her or her boss. I did not call Jan to "work this out" since I felt that I had already tried to do that 3 weeks ago.

The only question I have is, should I have made the payments stretch for even more weeks or was 10 weeks long enough?

UPDATE: I found an email address for the corporate headquarters of Culligan and asked them if $150 was a reasonable price to pay for that brine tank. I also included copies of the letters, the terrible one I received demanding payment and my response letter. No word back yet, I expect it might take a couple days to trickle through the corporate system...